An earthquake measuring 5.7 on the richter scale hit Liverpool last Wednesday morning. The epicentre was Kirkby. Casualties were seen wandering aimlessly saying "bang out of order", "mental", and "that did my head in". The earthquake decimated the area causing in excess of £17.55 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Ibiza and Corfu were damaged beyond repair. Three preserved areas of historic burned out cars were destroyed. Many locals were woken before their Giro's arrived. One resident, Tracey Sharon Smith, a 15 year old mother of four said "It was such a shock, little Chardonnay-Leigh came running into my bedroom crying, and my hands were shaking so much that I could hardly skin-up whilst I was watching Trisha." The British Red Cross has so far managed to send 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help with the crisis. Rescue workers are still searching the rubble and have found numerous "Elizabeth duke" sovereigns, benefit books, bone china from Poundstretcher, and Argos catalogues. However they have not managed to save any furniture from Crazy George's as yet. How can you help? This appeal hopes to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in the disaster. Clothing is most sought after. Urgently needed are LaCoste tracksuits (his & hers preferably) white socks, Burberry caps, woolly Benny hats, and Reebok trainers. Food parcels are also needed. They include McCain's Micro-Chips, Aldi Beans, Monster Munch, and Iceland pizzas. Alcohol is also in short supply, especially White Lightning Cider and Stella (wife beater). Cash donations are also needed. 22p buys a Bic biro for signing on, £2.50 buys a jumbo sausage dinner, £3.00 buys a blag CD (not an original copy), £20 buys a fake M.O.T., (or 10 gallons of red diesel to burn the vehicle out), and £26.00 buys 200 Regal from Tommo who has just come back from Kavos.